Update from me.

Hello blog,
      Sorry its been so long. Hrm so much has happened, where to start. Well I guess the biggest is that I broke up with Daddydom. It happened in early January a week before the big hotel party. I sort of knew it was going to happen. Before Christmas I was home alone and siting playing on the internet. I stumbled across Daddydoms blog. I knew that he kept a Tumblr and it has a smattering of pictures with Daddy girl things in it. I had assumed they were for me. Turns out no. They were for his now current sub. Whom he had been chatting with online for months with. See I kind of knew about her, he had told me a little and I asked if I should be threatened. He said no, that is was mostly for masturbation. Which is totally fine with me. But it turns out that no he was doing the Daddy/girl thing with her, and he never told me. I was devastated, I could not stop crying for days.  It was nice that I had a couple days off because I would start sobbing for no real reason. I tried to convince myself it was an accident, that he would not really want to hurt me. When Christmas was over I texted him and said we needed to meet, that I had something important to tell him. He said "I figured we would." I cried. I met him at the restaurant and was shaking. I am very good at hiding it but I was hurt. I knew that this conversation was either the end or a serious change in who we were. We sat down, ordered food and I tried to calmly pour tea. I pulled myself together and turned to him. I asked if he broke up with me and didn't tell me. He just said, Yes. It was like someone actually hit me. He said that he didn't want to hurt me, that he still cared for me but he wanted to try monogamy with this girl. I still have this strange feeling he said that only because he was bored with me. That I somehow lost my ability to be right for him. He told me that he did not want to tell me till he met her. That without telling me he went out of the state to see her. He said he think he loves her. I was blown, but I smiled and ate my food. I nodded. I told him calmly that I was hurt. That it would be a while before I was ok. That I did not approve of him dating a 18 year old no matter how mature he though she was. That a 30 year difference is not that part that mattered it was her age. But that I was just really hurt. I have not talked to him since. I mean to. I want to. But I can't each time I think about it, I cry. I had to take down the cards I had in my room from him. I know it will get better someday. I am just not there yet.

Little things.

Sometimes its the little things that really boost myself esteem. Make me feel sexy, desired and loved.

"mmm you smell good, mumble.. I like the smell of your sweat." When my daddydom woke up next to me. He was very tired and sleepy. I was very awake, and had been for a while. I was just enjoying being next to him. Feeling him close, smelling him and feeling held close.

I have always been insecure about my smell. Its the little things that me me shocked at how loved I am.

To be desired.

I was making out with my Daddydom and I shuddered. Not in that "oh no"  way. But in that way that my body does sometimes when I am so turned on I don't know what to do. When I am about to orgasm. When I am wet and wanting and begging for more. When its like I am so aroused my body does not how to react. Its not something I can control. It just happens. He looked at me with this fire of want in his eyes. I know that seems silly but really he has this intense look sometimes, especially when he hurts me. He told me that he loves it when I shudder. But it was the way he said it. Like it aroused him so much. I loved it. I made me both blush and drip.

Worth it?

So a couple weeks ago I was doing a particularly intense scene/sex with my Daddydom. I was tied up, gagged, hit, caressed, fucked and kissed silly. It was wonderful and over the top awesome. At one point though he was talking dirty to me. Which I may say he does so well. But in the middle he threw me off. He told me that he had to this stuff, that he wanted to do this to me because he was competing for me. I was thrown and wanted to assure him that I was his, that he did not need too. That I would come back to him. My eyes must of gone wide as I took myself out of the scene to tell him this, while ball gagged. He then went on that I needed to realize that I deserve to be competed for. That I should know that I am worth it. That I am special and that he loves me. It made me want to cry. (Which I tend to do sometimes)

He then went on to do more dirty evil things to me. That I loved and came from.

Weeks later though I am still thinking on this. Part of me knows that yes I am awesome. I am a Win for someone out there. But there is still a very large part of me that is built on years of self esteem issues. That part tells me that I am hyping myself up. That I am not worth that.

I keep trying to kick that part of my mind in the face, we will see how that goes. Right now I feel wonderful, sexy, wanted and loved. Kiss for my Daddydom.

Online dating!

So I am currently using two online dating sites. OkCupid and Collarme. I have had mild success with both. I met Daddydom on Collarme. I met Corvallis on Okcupid. I have been happy with it but I always feel like I am not showing the whole me. On Collarme I am out and proud of who I am sexually but it does not show my innocent, geeky, vanilla side. The switch for OkCupid, they don't know that I am a kinky slut till later.  Sigh I will keep having to try.

Also! http://superharmony.com/

This is great funny site about online dating for super heroes! I love the line "She wears this to bed!"

List of Characters in my Life. (ALWAYS ON EDIT. )

Corvallis-From Corvallis Oregon I met him from Okcupid sometime in mid 2010. He is nerdy, sweet, a year older than me and lived an hour a way. I adored him and may of fell in love with him. Sadly a long distance thing could not work out between us and I moved to Boston. I try not to dwell on how much I really liked him.
Daddydom-From the Boston area I met him through Collarme in May of 2011.As of January 2013 we have  broken up. He is a computer programmer 20 years my senior. We originally met to maybe do some nude photography. He is in an open relationship with his wife. I have met her and she is very awesome. I felt something with him early on and went with it. We are currently still dating. He is now my Daddy. In a Daddy/ lil girl thing, not so much a "little" sort of situation. More like I get to act like a child sometimes, a brat. (I love him and he loves me, this is very new to me. He makes me so happy.) ( I did not want to take the italic part out after we broke up. I am very hurt but I am hoping someday I will feel good about it.)
Dante-From Salem Oregon I met him on Fetlife sometime early 2010. He is an veteran about my age and honestly was coming off a bad break up. I was more than willing to be a rebound. He was the first real life Dom I met. He was perfect for that. I still adore him. He recently got engaged and is getting married soon! I am absolutely ecstatic for him. As of Feb 2013 he is married with a baby on the way.
Dom-From California I met him on Babblesex early 2009. He is in his mid-40's, divorced and an amazing father and baker. We first started with a textual relationship, cybering and talking. Later we moved the phone, we did a Dom/sub thing for a  while. Playing while never meeting. We became close friends and he became one of my closest confidants. He still his. As we continue talking we became less sexual and more friends. We met once in 2011 in New York. We still talk often on the phone about our lives. I trust him and love him in a non-romantic way.
Evil Twin-From the Boston area I met her on Felife through my book club in very early 2011. She is my Evil Twin because she shares my name and look strikingly like me in hair and color. We liked to play that up in a teasing way. We became good friends and I feel close to her. She is married in a monogamish/ openish relationship. I played with him and her husband, her alone and she loaned her husband to me more than one. They recently moved to Chicago and I miss her greatly.
Jae- Went on one date in April 2011. I slept with him on the first date and greatly regretted it. Lesson learned.
Lavalier- From Boston I met him on CollarMe in 2011. He was in his 50's and we did not work out. I am shamed to say I think I was tempted by his money I think. It turns out he was a little on the rapey side. We only did two dates, no sex or play.
Giles- From Boston I met him on Fetlife through my book club in early 2011 . He is my age and is a librarian.  He recently adopted an adorable baby. He is a transgender FTM gay man, that I somehow amazingly magically get to have as a lover despite my female bits. He taught me a lot about myself and gender as a whole. I am blessed to have him as a friend and lover.
Metronerd-From Boston area I met him on Okcupid in mid 2011. He is nerdy, slightly insecure at times and 3 years older than me. We dated for a very short time then were fuck buddies for a while, that ended. Now we are friends that hang out and sometimes we do kinky play with no sex. Mostly he is my good friend.
Murphy- From Boston area met him early 2012. We went on a couple dates and played once. He never called me back. Sort of an asshole. As of Feb 2013 he has contacted me and wants to set up a play date. I am unsure.
Phonesexman- From somewhere in Main started talking to him late 2009. He is my superhero of a phone sex man. He loves to make me cum. We have also become friends over the year talking about life. I have never met him but would love to.
The Salesman-From outside Boston we met in 2011. We dated for a while and then things did not work out so I had to break up him.  As of Feb 2013 it seems that he is happily married now with a baby on the way.
Sir-From Boston I met in him early 2011. He is in his 40's and can be inventively sadistic. We fucked up for a while and did not figure out how to have a thing between us. We are good now but he is in and out of the state so I don't see him often.
Teacher- Met him on Babblesex sometimes early in 2008. We have never met in person and have almost a purely textual relationship. We have done a couple cam/mic stuff but we are still friends that cyber.