Daddies? Little Girls?

Hey there blog... look I am not dead.

I still sort of struggle with how littles are sometimes viewed by greater kink and I am not fully out nor really fully organized with my indemnity in it. There are people who know I enjoy playing like a little girl but not everyone.

How does being a little make me feel/think?-I am usually more relaxed because I only really act like one when I feel safe and loved. I enjoy feeling childish and a little bratty. I get to act out in the ways I would never do in my day to day. Overall in my real life I am pretty put together and am the one who takes care of everyone and everything.  Growing up I was the oldest and was the adult very early on. I feel like being a little releases me for the stress of being the best and fixing everything, because I know I will be taken care of. That is sort of a big deal to me.

I also like the idea of Daddy/little girl and find it very different in idea from daddy/daughter like thoughts and play. Its this weird mix of love and play but also the idea of old school leather Daddy and his boy. (only I am a girl and am a cis-girl) I have always been drawn to that dynamic and my play has always been a mix of that a being treated like that and being treated a little kid depending on what we are doing.  I really don’t like the way of thinking of Daddy/daughter play. That’s a taboo that grosses me out, and it seems from what I have read to be less about consent than I would like. I mean I like playing out con-non-con sometimes too but the incest feeling of it bothers me too much.

As for the difference on what is shown in public I think that really depends on how well you know those public people. I would act radically different at say a flea party that I would at a friend’s house. I am not sure you are meaning about the way people act to others when they have those rolls. I don’t think people act all that different unless that’s their game. Example if  a couple has protocol you can tell that’s what they want to show, if not then they still may have that dynamic but just don’t show it in the same way. Same with Daddies and their Girls if their game is to show certain acts that make them both happy or wet  (like teasing a little about something to make them squirm or a girl begging and bothering her daddy to do something) then you can tell that is their dynamic, but you can still have a Daddy/girl dynamic and not have it readily read by others. A lot of the actions that happen between this particular type of couple happens with all types of Dom/sub relationships.

I am rarely made uncomfortable unless there are sharp things involved, I am worried about the consent, or its just too violent for my taste (thug play).  I have been surprised a couple of times by things but I have not really gone to any Big/little get togethers. 

Update from me.

Hello blog,
      Sorry its been so long. Hrm so much has happened, where to start. Well I guess the biggest is that I broke up with Daddydom. It happened in early January a week before the big hotel party. I sort of knew it was going to happen. Before Christmas I was home alone and siting playing on the internet. I stumbled across Daddydoms blog. I knew that he kept a Tumblr and it has a smattering of pictures with Daddy girl things in it. I had assumed they were for me. Turns out no. They were for his now current sub. Whom he had been chatting with online for months with. See I kind of knew about her, he had told me a little and I asked if I should be threatened. He said no, that is was mostly for masturbation. Which is totally fine with me. But it turns out that no he was doing the Daddy/girl thing with her, and he never told me. I was devastated, I could not stop crying for days.  It was nice that I had a couple days off because I would start sobbing for no real reason. I tried to convince myself it was an accident, that he would not really want to hurt me. When Christmas was over I texted him and said we needed to meet, that I had something important to tell him. He said "I figured we would." I cried. I met him at the restaurant and was shaking. I am very good at hiding it but I was hurt. I knew that this conversation was either the end or a serious change in who we were. We sat down, ordered food and I tried to calmly pour tea. I pulled myself together and turned to him. I asked if he broke up with me and didn't tell me. He just said, Yes. It was like someone actually hit me. He said that he didn't want to hurt me, that he still cared for me but he wanted to try monogamy with this girl. I still have this strange feeling he said that only because he was bored with me. That I somehow lost my ability to be right for him. He told me that he did not want to tell me till he met her. That without telling me he went out of the state to see her. He said he think he loves her. I was blown, but I smiled and ate my food. I nodded. I told him calmly that I was hurt. That it would be a while before I was ok. That I did not approve of him dating a 18 year old no matter how mature he though she was. That a 30 year difference is not that part that mattered it was her age. But that I was just really hurt. I have not talked to him since. I mean to. I want to. But I can't each time I think about it, I cry. I had to take down the cards I had in my room from him. I know it will get better someday. I am just not there yet.

Baths.

Baths are so very awesome. I am sitting in my apartment with my big purple robe on relaxing. I had all these ideas in the bath and now I am too lazy to.

Me.

“Smart girls are the over thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect toward themselves. Of course they try to live away from a drama-filled life. Smart girls know their worth. Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side.”
— Unknown

Worth it?

So a couple weeks ago I was doing a particularly intense scene/sex with my Daddydom. I was tied up, gagged, hit, caressed, fucked and kissed silly. It was wonderful and over the top awesome. At one point though he was talking dirty to me. Which I may say he does so well. But in the middle he threw me off. He told me that he had to this stuff, that he wanted to do this to me because he was competing for me. I was thrown and wanted to assure him that I was his, that he did not need too. That I would come back to him. My eyes must of gone wide as I took myself out of the scene to tell him this, while ball gagged. He then went on that I needed to realize that I deserve to be competed for. That I should know that I am worth it. That I am special and that he loves me. It made me want to cry. (Which I tend to do sometimes)

He then went on to do more dirty evil things to me. That I loved and came from.

Weeks later though I am still thinking on this. Part of me knows that yes I am awesome. I am a Win for someone out there. But there is still a very large part of me that is built on years of self esteem issues. That part tells me that I am hyping myself up. That I am not worth that.

I keep trying to kick that part of my mind in the face, we will see how that goes. Right now I feel wonderful, sexy, wanted and loved. Kiss for my Daddydom.

Online dating!

So I am currently using two online dating sites. OkCupid and Collarme. I have had mild success with both. I met Daddydom on Collarme. I met Corvallis on Okcupid. I have been happy with it but I always feel like I am not showing the whole me. On Collarme I am out and proud of who I am sexually but it does not show my innocent, geeky, vanilla side. The switch for OkCupid, they don't know that I am a kinky slut till later.  Sigh I will keep having to try.

Also! http://superharmony.com/

This is great funny site about online dating for super heroes! I love the line "She wears this to bed!"

My hair.

So I have been debating for some time if I should cut my hair again for locks for love. On one side I love it. Its pretty. People like it on me. Its soft. Its makes a nice handle/leash. But on the other side its hot right now. And heavy. Yes hair can be heavy. And then it get everywhere. And honestly I am fucking tired of my roommate bitching about it. I shed. Like all girls. and sometimes leave a hair or three in shower. I honestly don't look down all that often. I don't know what is was today but I had a shit day and he set me off. Just a little complaint and... BAM nope. Not going to play that game today. I bitched right back. Now that is just not like me so he did what we always both do when we fight. He hid, and then he left. No words nothing. Cold. I am so fucking angry right now. And I have no reason to be. I asked Photo over to kiss and spank me. Put me to bed. I hope it makes me less grumpy. m

Why I love quickies

I got the day off for sort of for a sad reason. One my co-workers had a death and the family so I am covering her shift on Saturday and thus unexpectedly got the day off. Which meant I slept in and did little to further my life goals. I DID though start reading Carrie's Story.

Which is both at that level of extreme Bdsm that I get all hot and heavy but also throws me off a little. Making me question my wants in life. Would I want to be a slave for someone? I don't know. I am pretty sure No. And its only when I read erotica like this that I think it may be awesome to give in to that a bit. Anyway that is not what this post is about.

It is about why hot rushed quickies are so made of awesome. So I was reading as I said, therefore I was very horny. Now it is of some note to say that I have masturbated like crazy lately. In the last three days like 8 times. But that aside I wanted to be touched. So... I texted my friend. I was very embarrassed about this its not often that I actually just do a booty call. I told him that I want a quickie. He, the amazing guy that he is, said yes! I backtracked trying to explain that I don't want him to think I am just using him for sex and he said something along the lines thats its ok to be used for sex sometimes. Something I whole heartedly agree with.

That one time I slept with a jerk.

This is a quick one. Because is was a mistake.

So this one time I was horny. Surprise!
 I chatted with a guy from Collarme, we talked on the phone.
He seemed nice.
He seemed cute!
His name was Jae.
I went on a date with Jae, just walking.
Then I got bold.
Too bold.
I fucked him, he thought he was a dom.
He was not.
I topped the shit out of him. Made him beg, made him cum, made him cry out.
It was fun.
He loved it.
Then I told him he had to take me out for ice-cream. Between ice-cream and relaxing the conversation takes a left turn. He tells me that he thinks gay and lesbians should not be allowed to adopt and that planned parenthood was created to keep minorities from reproducing and that now is still evil.
I blew up.
I screamed, I shook with anger at myself.
I was a slut, in a bad way. An idiot.
I let my spirit touch his! Like mix with me.
I kicked him out of my house.
My roommate was worried about me, but did not handle it in a sex positive way.
Jae latter contacted me and asked for a second chance. I told him that I would be fucking him just as good as I did, anytime he wanted. If he was not such ass. That most happy sluts like me are pro-gay rights and pro-planned parenthood.
So. The end.

Why I love tea.

I have more than once joked that the first step to getting into my pants is a cup of tea.

In a lot of cases it is. Though dinner won't hurt you either.

Beside that there is something amazing in a cup of tea.

With sugar

or Cream

Sometimes I fear I am a little addicted. To make up for this I always reuse teabags. I realize that at some point I am just drinking hot water with a tea bag in it.

I wish I drank more expensive tea since its one of my few treats. But I can't bring myself to spend too much money on something so small and unourishing.

I love curling up with a warm cup, with a good book.

Maybe tea is not all the sexy to me, but its still one of the first steps into my pants. So maybe that makes it sexy.

How to get me wet at work!

Was going through some of my old emails and came across this. Yum.

Something to think about in your idle moments at the computer: where in your workplace would be the most enticing place for me to fuck you? Any particular spot where your ninja skills would allow us to remain hidden while you knelt to swallow my cum? Any open public place we could sneak into after hours where I could slam the full length of my cock in and out of your tight slippery pussy while you squealed in ecstasy? Or perhaps a place where I would pull your panties down in full view of everyone and spank you as punishment for some transgression? Inquiring minds want to know...

Every once and a while I think about these things in public. How fun is that.

Take 2~

~In movie voice over tone~ In the Adventures of Abby and Accidental Arousal!~

Wow first off how awesome is that. So many A's! My name rocks. I could do this all day. Amazing Abby and her Ability to Appear normal in moments of Arousal. Giggle.

So this one time last year I was sitting on my roommates bed while he puts his laundry away. I of course have already done mine and like a puppy left alone have moved into his room to just be near someone. I can be like that I don't like to alone all that often. So he is putting away his clothes when to accent something that he is doing he snaps his belt. It made that nice leather on leather sound. I started but really my whole body reacted. My face must of done some sort of glaze over because when I looked at him again he had a very odd look on his face. There was a much too long pause and then he went back to folding. Now two things to note on this. One this is again much before he knew I was kinky and two this is almost a year before I was spanked with a belt for sex. Odd... Yeah adventure time.

So I love oral.

My roommate just told me that he was having a conversation with two of our male mutual friends. One of witch said that he refuses to go down on a girl. We both had the same reaction of what the fuck! I mean really oral should come standard with any model. And I in particular love to give oral more than most sexual acts. I am a strong believer in that fact that oral sex should come standard in every model of lover. As we talked about it more though I think its just because this guy is mostly a virgin. I think that with a good lover he would go down, its hard to not want to please someone.

The other thing I learned is that one of the two guys might be pretty much a virgin. Now see I am attracted to this guy. And really the idea of of giving him a great blow job makes me very happy. I really really want to do it. I have wanted to do it for a while. See blog I pretty sure I am great at blow jobs. I want to say more but since all the feedback I have gotten is from people I have blown I may not be as wonderful as they say.

Sigh.. So I have been horny all day.

Valentine cuteness.

Now I try not to fall into the girl thing about valentines day. But I wont lie I love being spoiled. It makes me purr inside to be spoiled to know someone cares about me like that. Its often the little things that make me so very happy. This year I was spoiled by several thing. The Salesman got me a book. It was a very sweet thoughtful gift. He knows I read a lot and its a BDSM book called Mercy. Its looks like a love/smut story. I purred with the thoughtfulness of it. Then a couple days later Metronerd got me a rose and a snuggie! I actually love my snugglie. Its purple and has peace signs on it. Adorable right! He said he was getting his mom a rose too and got me one as well. This was super sweet especially since we are doing the JUST friends game.

I like being spoiled.

How is that I have just recently found Go Ask Alice?

So I spent like 3 hours today reading Go ask Alice responses. Between that and Scarlett teen it riles in me a want to help people. To educate the populace. Especially teens and college kids. Also I want to like hand out condoms everywhere I go.

In college I was able to do this. My junior year I went to the health center and asked for some condoms for my dorm. They gave me a bag of like 100 condoms. For free! Sometimes when I am buying condoms now I think about going back and seeing if I can get another.

http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/Cat7.html

http://www.scarleteen.com/

Words

Bitch

Whore

Cunt

Slut

Why do I both get angry and turned on by this words at different times.

What does that say about me?

I both know as a feminist and Sex positive girl that these words can be good and bad.

In my head I know its OK to get off on being someone "Dirty little whore" a "naughty slut."

Yet I know it hurts to be called a slut in a non sexy way. It hurts a lot.

Am I taking back the words? Remaking them mine? Reclaiming them for my identity.

Or am I just playing into society ques at what a woman is, the Madonna/whore complex. That I can be one or the other. That for the sex I crave, I need to be the whore.

Why do when I am just am coming down from a great orgasm feel the need to THINK about these questions instead of just feel.

How do my birth control pills work....?

Planned Parenthood

Now there are several types of birth control.

I am on the pill. Which gives me 3 weeks off and 1 week on. Even in this type there are several different kinds that give varying levels of hormones. All I can really remember is that my body tricks itself into thinking its pregnant for a while so I don't ovulate. So when I went to go start reading this I realized I did not know the actual chemical workings of how the pill works. I was ashamed of myself, bad chemist, bad pharmacy tech, So I went to reading. Really the best answers I found were at Ask Alice. Below is her response.

Alice,
How do birth control pills work?

—Woman




Dear Woman,

Birth control pills prevent pregnancy through several mechanisms, mainly by stopping ovulation. If no egg is released, there is nothing to be fertilized by sperm, and the woman cannot get pregnant. Most birth control pills contain synthetic forms of two female hormones: estrogen and progestin. These synthetic hormones stabilize a woman's natural hormone levels, and prevent estrogen from peaking mid-cycle. Without the estrogen bump, the pituitary gland does not release other hormones that normally cause the ovaries to release mature eggs.

Specifically, synthetic estrogen in the pill works to:

Stop the pituitary gland from producing follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH) in order to prevent ovulation
Support the uterine lining (endometrium) to prevent breakthrough bleeding mid-cycle
Meanwhile, synthetic progestin works to:

Stop the pituitary gland from producing LH in order to prevent egg release
Make the uterine lining inhospitable to a fertilized egg
Partially limit the sperm's ability to fertilize the egg
Thicken the cervical mucus to hinder sperm movement (although this effect may not be key to preventing pregnancy)
There are two kinds of hormonal birth control pills: (1) the combination pill which contains estrogen and progestin and (2) the progestin-only pill (known as the minipill). Combo pills are significantly more effective than progestin-only pills and have the added benefit of less breakthrough bleeding. However, some women cannot tolerate estrogen and prefer the progestin-only pill. Both types of pills are available in several different brands, each of which have slightly different blends of hormones.

These two kinds of hormonal birth control are available in other forms besides pills. The combination formula is also available as a patch and a vaginal ring. The progestin-only formula is also available in intramuscular shots (Depo-Provera), an implant (Implanon), in intrauterine devices (the Mirena IUD).

Some women may prefer these other forms of hormonal birth control because they can be taken less often (and consequently are easier to remember). While birth control pills must be taken everyday, the patch is only applied once per week, the vaginal ring only once per month, and the intramuscular shot only once every 3 months. An IUD is inserted into the uterus and can prevent pregnancy for five years or more. In the US, hormonal birth control pills and devices are only available by prescription. Women may want to ask a gynecologist or women's health care provider for information about different kinds of birth control, including which methods would be best for them personally. Students at Columbia can make an appointment at Primary Care Medical Services by calling x4-2284 or visiting Open Communicator.

If you choose birth control pills (which are sometimes the cheapest form of birth control), it is very important to take the pills at the same time everyday. This creates a more stable level of hormones in your body. When you forget your pill (or take it 3 to 4 hours late or more), this causes a dip in your body's levels of the birth control hormones. If you forget your pill one day, you may need to take two pills the next day, which will cause a spike in your body's levels of the birth control hormones. To maximize protection against pregnancy and to minimize side effects, pick a time you are likely to remember (maybe first thing in the morning or right before bed) and take your pill this same time everyday.

Finally, birth control pills traditionally come in packs of 21 or 28 pills. Both types of packs contain 21 active pills. The 7 extra pills in the 28-pill pack are placebo pills which are there to remind you to continue taking one pill everyday and to remind you when to begin the next pack. Whether you take placebo pills or simply wait 7 days to start the next pack, the 7-day break from hormones triggers monthly bleeding that mimics a woman's menstrual period. Women are still protected from pregnancy during this time as long as they have taken all the active pills consistently and correctly. For more details, take a look at Why do I menstruate while on birth control? in Go Ask Alice! archive for Sexual Health.

New brands of birth control pills have been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (like Seasonale) which allow women to have their "period" fewer times per year. Seasonale packs come with 84 active pills followed by a placebo week so the woman bleeds only 4 times per year. For more info, check out Delaying your period through oral contraceptives in the Go Ask Alice! Sexual Health archive. If you're interested in using hormonal birth control, speak with your health care provider about which method would suit you best. Take care.

(http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/0663.html)

I personally am on the 28 day cycle ones with both types of hormones. The first month was rough but I am happy now.

WARNING BELOW IS NOT A SEXY STORY>

Scary story from my first month on my pill. I though I was having a miscarriage, honest. I actually called in to work sick. Something I never do. I felt nauseas and gross all morning. This was in the days when I started work at 3pm. I took a bath to relax my back muscles which were freaking out with cramps. I past a blood clot. Which are pretty normal in smaller sizes. There are parts of the lining. This was was huge. Bigger than the size of my palm. And it was not just the normal red color. There was also like clear and skin toned. I was sure I was dying. So I calmly freaked out. Now that may be an understatement. Its been over a year and I still remember that gut wrenching fear. I got dressed called to work sick. And then called my mom. (No answer) Then spent like 2 hours scoring the internet to see if I was having a miscarriage. Finally I grew a pair and called my gyno. She calmly let me know I was no dying in fact that it's quite normal for the first couple months. That if it does not go away after 3 we will change types of Birth control. I calmed down a lot after that. Then end.

I love Birth Control.

There are so many reasons that I love Birth Control. Here are just a few.

1. No babies in my belly. (I want a baby someday, just not anytime soon at all. )

2. Knowing for a fact the day my cycle starts. (I can plan when I can have my cycle so I am not on during a play party)

3. Have a cycle that only lasts a week. (I used to have a cycle that was 2-3 week on 1 week off. It was so horrible.)

4. Cramps seem to be magnified for 2 days. (Read that as only 2 days)

5. Decreased limbido. (Now this may sound crazy. But I was overtly sexual and had no outlet for years. Having it decreased just this little much has made it so I am manageable. )

6. Mood swings are set almost to a chart. I can more properly blame my hormones.

7. Did I mention I feel less worried about sex? That I can let myself be the sex positive slut I want to be.

More tomorrow on types.

Adventures in accidental arousal.

When I first thought about writing a sex blog I wanted to have a running account of the amount of times when I became aroused on accident. When I first moved in with the roommate it happened a lot. I was living with a guy (just a friend) and was not getting any for a long time. Not only that but I had this fear about masturbating while he was awake. This fear is still mostly there, I am a stealth ninja masturbater when needed. Be impressed. It should be noted that my housemate and I are not nor ever going to be sexually together in any sense. He is like my best friend and we don't see it that way. We have talked about it. Anyways I feel like so often I get aroused at surprising moments. So here is one for today; a really old one actually from last year after I moved in with my housemate.

Now here is something that is very true. I get lost in a paperbag when driving. I really have a hard time. Even with a GPS and written instructions I sometimes freak out and take wrong turns. I have more than one gone down a one way the wrong way. So when I drive in big cities, like Boston or Portland, in traffic I try not to show it but I freak out. My heart and my body just does not like whats happening. Anyway so I was driving in the rain, in traffic at dusk with a group of people and was trying not to show how much I was not a happy camper. When my house mate started to give me very clear calm instructions on what to do. And then added some good jobs in there. I was aroused and that bothered me. I could feel myself getting there and I did not like why. It was the tone of his voice, the clear authority and calmness to it. Hard to explain. This was also well before he knew I was kinky in anysense of the word. He knows me from college where I was a really good girl and barely kissed anyone let alone asked someone to beat me with a flog.

PDA

I am not good at public displays of affection. Actually, I am really bad at them. Which is weird to me. In my head I feel I should be good at them. But I have actually found that when I like a boy I have a hard time showing in public. I really only noticed this when I was dating Corvallis. Now it should be said that I really liked him. Like in the high school makes my stomach get butterflies way. There are a few moments that really stand out in my head. Once when we were walking to the grocery store from my house I did not notice that I casual was holding his hand as we walked. It was not until that we hit a street with lots of people that I felt silly. I pulled my hand away as sneakily as possible. He took it in stride, after giving me a calculated look and just stood closer, I still really appreciate it. We were together for a couple months before I leaned up and kissed him in public. I did not even notice until like 10 min later when we were outside he leaned down and kissed me whispering that he was proud. I was confused and it showed. He told me what I did and I guess I blushed and babbled for a moment trying to be cool. He just kissed me again.